Prologue: I'm not here to cast shame or doubt on any unsuspecting woman or man. I'm not here to make anyone feel bad about their choices. God knows I've made enough questionable ones of my own.
I'm simply here to help us as women, appreciate our gift. Our gift of being a woman.
It's why I do what I do...Making beauty and confidence and healthy self-confidence for my clients.
I understand. I'm sharing my story so you can relate. I'm sharing my story so you can see that I UNDERSTAND.
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I'm not saying being a man is less or more; I'm saying that who and what we are should be cherished and celebrated, and for too long it has not been.
As young girls, we are aware of our "lady bits". No one allows us to forget them even if self discovery was not a thing.
Early warnings from adults that little girls do this and little girls do that, and little girls don't do this and little girls don't do that. Don't touch this, don't smile like that, don't play with so and so, people will talk, it is not appropriate, if you are not careful people will say...and the list goes on.
I'm not saying that the warnings may not be necessary, I'm just saying that for the female it is a fact.
The difference as to how my brother and I was treated was based on genitalia. He as a boy wasn't told don't sit on a male family member's lap, or not to go to a household where the men to women ratio was out of balance.
Now, men, before you say, "You think we don't have that too?" I say yes, but not to the same extent as we do.
I have a brother. The rules given to him were not as strict and he had leeway to break them unlike me. His penalty was less severe as well.
I was aware that by being a female, I was different, and it all had to do with being a "female".
Being female meant I was in danger in a way that my brother was not.
Being a female meant I had to be careful in a way he did not.
Subconsciously, it made me fearful of being a woman.
If I was responsible for how men view me or respond to me, even family members, then something about me was subliminally wrong. Being a woman was subliminally wrong.
Needless to say, everything female became a source of concern. I don't want to wear skirts and dresses. They force you to behave like a female. I want to run and play. I want to climb trees. I want ride my bike.
I reject skirts and dresses.
I reject being a young lady.
I
reject
being
female.
Fast forward to 10 years old. My body begins to behave strangely. It is starting to change. Not in the funny, goofy way boys do with the squeaky voice. In the my-chest-is starting to bud kinda way and the boys are noticing kinda way.
Now it is time for the "your body is changing talk". I hated that talk. It was done in my parent's bedroom with the door closed, just me and my mom. My mom was not one of those moms that eased you into the transition. She was one of those hell and damnation moms that said "you better not, and if I catch you" mom.
There was nothing gentle, or comforting about the information and once again nothing there but for me to reject being female. I had to...it seemed the world and nature were against me. I had to fight back!
Twelve years old and the "period" begins. My chest is no longer budding, it is at a full bloom. It seemed like overnight my body wreaked havoc and I was someone else.
Boys were noticing and making comments. Girls were either super excited to talk about it with you or hating on you if they were not at the same place in their journey. Your mom is watching you extra careful and your brother thinks it is the perfect time to taunt you. I can no longer successfully reject being a female. It has finally become unavoidable.
Warp speed to the mid- teen years, and you discover that this alien thing of being female has power. You have no clue how to control this power and you are a run-away driver in a flimsy go-cart. You are all over the road and speeding towards a wall.
You are fascinated by it but you have long since discovered you have to keep it secret. If you use it you are a "fast girl", a "hoe", a "slut" and if you don't use it you are a "prude", a "dick-tease", and a "bitch".
No one teaches you how to deal with all of this that is being thrown at you!
What do I do with these feelings? What do I do with this amazing thing I've found? Why didn't anyone tell me I had it? Why did everyone only tell me the bad things about it? Why didn't anyone tell me how great it is to be a female? Why didn't anyone tell me it is a gift? Why didn't anyone explain to me the magnificence of it? The importance?
Why did I only learn about the shame?
Adulthood didn't make being a woman better. If anything, it made it worse. I discovered men don't appreciate women for being a female, just for the reasons that served them. They don't see their children in your eyes, they only see their penis in theirs. They don't seek the wonder of what a woman will bring to their lives. They only see a conquest, not context, something to do until they move on to the next. Their goal is to rack up as many of them as they can until "they have sown their oats" and are ready to settle down, with someone who is not you.
We are conquests. We are practice. We are something to do.
We must save ourselves to be married. We must hold on to the man at all costs. Which one is it? Heck,I don't know. I got that wrong too.
Had my first child at 21 years old. Not married. Oh, the fricking shame. My lady-bits got me in trouble and the world is judging.
At 23 years old I had baby number 2, and still not married. The lady-bits did it again. NO wonder these things are dirty and disgusting. They get you in trouble and the world screams at you with vulgarity.
Everything about me is wrong. Everything about being a woman is wrong.
Baby 3 and 4, I'se married now. I'se legal and I'se correct.
It only took a MAN and a RING to take the shame off me.
Once again, being a female is not enough...
Stay tuned until next week! I promise we get to the uplift, Phenomenal Woman. You will see!
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